This will be a bitter useless post I have always deem necessary but never get to curate proper enough words to do justice to whatever was. I now realise there will never be proper words. Just splinters, just splinters:
“Problems begin/with a splinter lodged in memory.
It is hard to remove/much harder to describe.”
- Ewa Lipska, from “Splinter”
I will start by saying that I was right all along - but even I didn’t the strength to follow my own correctness. The next thing I must say is that I was saved, and thus thankful. I wonder what the bystanders think.
People are more than what they seem, projecting only what they feel they want to be known as. You can know a person all your life and still be surprised. We can claim all principles we supposedly hold to. But principles are actions, not big words. I was often asked to try another person’s shoes before I conclude - it helped, it really did, give me long thoughts. But after a while I also realise that kind of thinking makes me overthink: I form patterns and formulas to make sense of things, and they sometimes make sense, when they don’t, I make them make sense. In the end, it doesn’t always work. We think differently. We believe different things. We have different logic - and sometimes those logic diverge so much there’s nothing in this world that can make it work. As much as we don’t want it to. Especially as we don’t want it to.
Trust is a scary thing - laugh but to me it is. I’d rather be mistrusted than bear the burden of a trust. I used to think it is built, like the cliche people say. Now I think it’s like the ability to draw cartoons: you either have it or you don’t, people either trust you or they don’t. Of course it can be ruined by just one misstep. But people who can be trusted just do not miss their step. It’s strangely as simple as that.
I will end by saying that it was a disappointment to see things repeat their cycle. You create your own karma.
Done with this, I can from now on write happy things.